Screaming In The Trees

"As the people who adore you stop adoring you; as they die; as they move on; as you shed them; as you shed your beauty; your youth; as the world forgets you; as you recognize your transience; as you begin to lose your characteristics one by one; as you learn there is no-one watching you, and there never was, you think only about driving - not coming from any place; not arriving any place. Just driving, counting off time. Now you are here, at 7:43. Now you are here, at 7:44. Now you are...gone."

Amazing film. 

It's 4 AM and you're on my mind. Those gorgeous brown eyes. They haunt me.

I cling to these feeling, but they wear me down. Ultimate reclusiveness seems quite inviting. Looming grey skies. Bring on the rain. I want to sleep without dreaming. Black out.

I don't want to be your last resort. Something to lean back on when your options have all run out. What has changed? New faces and new experiences? Look at the bigger picture. Just for this split moment. Maybe I'm not what's missing. So why now? It was getting a little bit easier each and every day. Now, I'm more lost than ever. Please don't lead me to a dead end. I deserve something better than this.

I often repent my inebriated side. Always a few too many. Never taking time to slow down. To stop. Getting caught up in the moment, a mouth full of poison and a social situation in which I struggle with. You're doing great Jason, keep it up. Have another. Look at you go. You're making them laugh. Have one more. But eventually it all turns sour and I fumble. I ruin what I'm loving and I regret it all the next morning. A sunken feeling in my chest. This is not who I am. This is not what I am striving for.

Nowhere is here.
A familiar emptiness lurks.
Darkness now permanent.
A fine layer of dust settles in.
The lingering stench of tobacco.
Coldness looms and enters my lungs.
Scarred and vulnerable, gasping.
Drowning from the inside out.
Nothing is what it seems.
Trapped in these tangled sheets.
Nails clawing through garments.
Inhaling knives to the chest.
Ready for that final bound.
Exhaling to a burst of clarity.
Vanishing into oblivion.
My mind soars.
Free and forgotten.

All eyes on the calendar.

Part of me wanted you to remember. A phone call, an email, a text . Anything. I know it's not your obligation anymore, but I just thought it would be a nice gesture.

Total indifference.

Strawberry Fields Forever. That song makes me think of you. The man I'll never get to know.

They were your favorite group, or so I'm told. If only we could discuss each and every one of their songs and what they meant to you. That would have been so nice.

It's strange how I look like a young Paul McCartney. You did too, apparently.

Hmm. Nothing to get hung about.

"Everybody is a big fucking letdown!" I screamed in his pale, freckled face.

This morning, my childhood best friend approached me to casually apologize about not following through with plans that we had previously made. I merely gave a blank expression, turned around to walk away, but was frozen, unable to move. My eyelids clenched shut, my body shaking, I turn to him with barely an inch from his face. I let it all spew out. All of these emotions that had pushed deep down for so long, made it's way out on this single, once so important person of my life. I remember his face being flustered and his eyes bloodshot and flooded with anguish. I instantly regretted what I had done, but it was too late. 

I later woke up.

It has only been two months, yet it feels like an eternity. You're on my mind far too often, yet I'm forgetting your essence. 

"We're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

Solitude.

I'm been having the desire to travel Scotland. To hop on the eurotrain and just go. Considering I'm visiting Wales in September, this will be a perfect opportunity. To get lost along the way. To find myself in a new light. Anything.